After a week of Olympic competition — and as NBC goes into a full-on case of Phelps withdrawal — it’s time to look at what needs to be done to make the Olympics better.
First, Canada immediately needs to embark on a eugenics program. We Americans always look forward to some tough competition from our neighbors to the north during the Winter Olympics. Those snowbound, moose-loving, maple syrup guzzling Canadians always give us a good run in hockey, speed skating, figure skating, and even curling. (Okay, to be fair, the Canadians beat Americans butt in curling, but since the American curling team is sponsored by a whiskey distiller and a condom manufacturer, I’m guessing the Americans are having more fun. And isn’t that what sports is all about anyway?) But in the Summer Games, Canada has a lone gold medal, won by trampoline diva Rosie MacLennan. So, Canada should immediately lock MacLennan into the honeymoon suite at Niagara Falls with hockey whizkid Sidney Crosby, pipe in some mellow Anne Murray and Bryan Adams songs, and wait for them to breed a new generation of Canadian superathletes. Also, if Canada creates a trampoline dynasty, Red State American is bound to respond. There are already backyards across Arkansas and Georgia full of trampolines, just waiting for obese American rugrats to channel their energies into dethroning the Canuck tramp dynasty.
Next, it’s time to get the band back together. Yeah, I’m talking about the Soviet Union. It’s a failed economic system, it’s a failed political system, but damn, could those Russkis run a sports program. Other nations feared the Big Red Machine. Most sports came down to a question of could the Americans beat the Russians. The Red Dynamo won more gold medals, and with the help of their East German health care system, developed more performance enhancing drugs than any other sports kollectiv. But these days, it’s just too difficult to keep track of all the national flags of Estonia, Lithuania, Ukraine, Kazakhstan, and Putinstan. So for sports only, let’s get those Baltic republics back together for a reunion tour. We can even set them up with sponsorship: the new Zero Calorie Russian Olympic Team, brought to you by Pepsi Max. Or maybe the Nike Air Bolshevik Russian Olympic Team. I’m just spitballin’ here, but trust me, you know there are a hundred companies who’d kill to slap their logo on Maria Sharapova’s butt.